Today is May 1st. I’ve had the date circled on the calendar for months–not because I was going to wrap the May Pole, like we used to do in elementary school, but because it represented something to me–HOPE. The day that I circled it was a BAD day. I was in the throngs on chemo. I looked at my chemo schedule and determined that May 1 would be the day the I would probably start feeling better. It seemed so far away and I simply couldn’t fathom ever feeling “better” again.
Well, its here. Do I feel better? Yes and no. I’m glad that chemo is over for now. The upcoming scans that will determine how well it worked? That’s a whole different story and could be one of the things that keep me awake at night.
I was notified of the deaths of two different friends this week. Both from cancer. Both diagnosed after me. I have another friend that recently sent me a text that simply said, “I’m in hospice.” While I dread these notifications, I know that one day they’ll have my name attached to them.
Anxiety gnaws at the edges of my life. Anxiety about living, anxiety about dying. Anxiety about planning something for a birthday four months away. Will I be well? Will I be living? Will I be able?
All that aside, it IS May Day. I’m writing again. I scheduling tavel. I’m grateful. I’m BACK!